


Acting naughty(ier than we really are)

by plantboycharms



Series: Electra Heart [7]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Asexual Character, Casual Sex, F/M, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, ace suga, how else does one deal with being ace, or me, please help him, sex yeah, suga's ace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-29 18:32:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11446629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plantboycharms/pseuds/plantboycharms
Summary: Everything told him he should like this. He should want this. This was something normal people wanted. Music, movies, books, even his friends’ careless jokes. They didn’t mean anything by it, but he felt like shit, utter shit, and he turned to whatever made him feel better.The sex didn’t, but he thought… Maybe next time it would.





	Acting naughty(ier than we really are)

**Author's Note:**

> If sex in a society didn’t tell a guy who he should be.  
> (All my life, I’ve felt it deep inside of me)

Somehow, sex didn’t make Suga feel any better about anything.  
Sure, physically or whatever, he guessed, it was alright. But there was nothing in it that he craved, except the validation from the other person involved.  
Didn’t really matter who, if he was honest. There were some senpais, some kouhais, some were girls, some boys… It didn’t matter. He didn’t know them. They didn’t know him. It didn’t matter. It was better that way. 

Their words, crooned in his ear, gasped against his neck, sometimes panted out onto the spot between his shoulder blades while he grasped at the sheets, trying to keep himself grounded, didn’t mean anything either. 

Everything told him he should like this. He should want this. This was something normal people wanted. Music, movies, books, even his friends’ careless jokes. They didn’t mean anything by it, but he felt like shit, utter shit, and he turned to whatever made him feel better.  
The sex didn’t, but he thought… Maybe next time it would. 

He had boyfriends, and girlfriends, in the past. They didn’t stick around long. He did what they wanted, put up no fight, but somehow, they could tell.  
There was nothing about it that he wanted from them. And they wanted him to want them, and he couldn’t give that to them, so he avoided relationships like the goddamn plague and stayed completely unattached. He could have sex with randoms whenever he wanted, wherever he wanted, whatever it took to feel something again.  
Being used, thrown away, and used again? That was adrenaline. That was a rush. Waiting for it to click, wanting it to feel good for once… a bore. 

But the rush of being used, the endorphins his brain threw at him, the feeling of uselessness and emptiness that came from being left, just like that, dirty and sweaty and breathless, in a bathroom, the rooftop during class, wherever it might be?? That was something that couldn’t be replaced. 

Sugawara Koushi quite liked being used, he thought. 

That is, until he and Daichi got together, and all of a sudden… things were different.  
Daichi… didn’t pressure him into anything. Daichi waited for Suga to initiate things, /any/ things, even basic touch. Suga didn’t remember what it was like to hold hands because he wanted to, not to be dragged around a corner at a grimy club to a slightly more secluded area. (Not completely, of course. That would be too easy.) And when Daichi touched Suga’s hair, it was… soft. Gentle. Nothing like the rough fists he was used to.  
Suga was completely thrown off by this entire situation, if he was being honest. Nothing could have prepared him for this. 

Romance was dead, they said, but not for Suga and Daichi. Apparently. 

Finally, they were home alone, Daichi’s parents gone for the weekend, and Suga was ready. (Literally. He knew the importance of preparing himself now, had gotten hurt one too many times from people who clearly didn’t care about his health as much as they did about his body.) They were sitting in Daichi’s room, on the bed, Daichi’s hand on Suga’s knees, thrown casually over his own, and Suga’s body was thrumming with… excitement? anxiety? fear? He didn’t know. 

And then he couldn’t wait anymore, he was too anxious about it, wanted to get it over with, get on with it all, and suddenly he was straddling Daichi on the bed, and Daichi was as into it as Suga had expected.  
His hands were everywhere, it seemed, but they were somehow cautious still, holding Suga like he might break. Suga’s shirt was off about as soon as he could get his hands free from Daichi’s hair, and Daichi’s hands were cautious again.  
And then Daichi was… stopping him? Putting his hands over Suga’s and gently guiding them away? Placing their hands together on Suga’s face and gently kissing him before pulling back and murmuring “wait, Suga” with his eyes still closed?

So he tried again, and Daichi took his wrists again, and Suga sat back, sitting straighter up, and looked down at his boyfriend’s face, puzzling it over.  
“Don’t you want to do this?” he asked, trying to keep his voice casual, light, but still sultry.  
“Do YOU?” Daichi replied, gentle as always, eyes soft, but serious.  
Suga didn’t know what to say. Suga always knew what to say. But not now. 

Daichi shifted back a little, sitting himself up and readjusting Suga in his lap.  
“You know I’ve heard the stories. Most of us have. We keep them from the first-years, and Asahi protects Noya’s innocence as much as he can, but… You’re pretty easy to identify, Koushi.” He smoothed a hand through Suga’s hair, gentle as always.  
Suga realized that he was burning. His cheeks, for sure, but now, his eyes?  
“No, no, don’t cry, baby no. It’s okay! It’s okay.” Daichi was saying, thumbs soft on Suga’s cheeks. What did he mean?  
“What do you mean? What… what do you mean? What are you… what’s…” Suga was babbling now, tears were coming, he couldn’t stop them.  
“Suga, if you just want to use me, that’s… that’s okay. But can we… does it have to be now? I was just getting used to being able to do this.” Daichi looked like he was in pain, so much pain, hands still on Suga’s cheeks.  
“I’m not! I’m not! Why would I ever?” Suga blubbered, staring through tears at Daichi’s pained face.  
“Everyone knows you just… I don’t know, Kou, I don’t want to say it. But you’re… gonna leave me, right? Once you’re done with me?” Daichi was blinking fast now, and his breathing was speeding up. “I don’t know how to keep you, Koushi, but I don’t want to watch you leave.”  
“I don’t… I don’t understand” Suga hiccupped, feeling sick.  
“Everyone says that you just use them for sex and leave them like you never wanted it in the first place, Sugawara Koushi, and I just don’t want that to happen to us, because I love you and I always have and I want to keep you here with me by my side for the rest of my life and that’s just!” Daichi inhaled, hard, fast, having said everything in one fast breath, and breathed out heavily too, before continuing with “I’m scared of losing you.”  
And Suga was collapsing, all the energy leaving him at once, flopped over onto Daichi’s chest, sobbing into his neck and pouring out his story, all the hurt, everything that had haunted him from day one.  
“I just want to feel something, Dai, and I would let people use me and throw me away because it seemed like that was what normal people did, normal people want SEX, Dai, and I just don’t know if I do, if I ever do, it’s foreign and strange to me but familiar too and people liked me when I was naked on them, Daichi, but that’s it and I just wanted people to LIKE me, and I could only do that in the BEDROOM and I just-” but Daichi cut him off.  
“Suga. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Ever.”  
“Wh-at?” Suga said, hiccupping again.  
“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. With me.”  
“I don’t… I don’t understand” Suga repeated, raising his head a little to look into Daichi’s face.  
“You don’t want to have sex with me, do you?” Daichi said, very seriously, not looking away, although his cheeks blushed red.  
“Why would you sa-“  
“Answer the question, Suga. We both know the answer.”  
“I- well…” Suga looked down and away, blinking, more tears falling from his lashes onto Daichi’s shirt.  
“Are you gonna answer me or not?” Daichi said, grabbing Suga’s wrists where they were, fists clenched into Daichi’s shirt.  
“No.”  
“No, you’re not going to answer?”  
“No.”  
“No, you don’t want to have sex with me?”  
Suga didn’t reply, but he nodded a tiny bit, eyes squeezed shut.  
“You can tell me to leave.” He said, still not looking at Daichi.  
“Suga. Koushi. Why would I do that?”  
“What good am I if I don’t like sex, huh? Why would you want to stay with me??” Suga said, trying to withdraw his arms from Daichi’s chest to put his shirt back on. Daichi held his wrists firmly, and didn’t let go. They struggled a little, but Daichi was stronger. Daichi was always stronger.  
“Let me GO! I’m LEAVING!” Suga said, pulling more. The feeling of restraint reminded him of all the other times, people holding him or tying him or shoving him… He was starting to panic from the feeling, and Daichi seemed to pick up on it.  
“Hey, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You’re fine. It’s okay.” Daichi soothed, letting go of Suga’s hands and bringing one to his face. “I’m sorry. That looked like it reminded you of something. I won’t do it again. Please don’t go.”  
Suga could barely believe it. He understood. He had understood. And he had let go. Suga could go. 

But he didn’t want to.  
For once in his life, he didn’t want to go.  
He had exposed himself, not physically, but mentally, and he was… still there. Sitting. On Daichi’s lap. Shirtless. With… no intention to do anything else. 

“Suga, I’m sorry. Please say something. Koushi.” Daichi was holding his hands by his head, very still, staring into Suga’s face. He realized he had probably… scared him?  
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry. I don’t… I’m sorry.” Suga said, hands fast, words faster, placing his palms against Daichi’s face, his shoulders, finally resting one on his own leg and the other grasping the hair at the back of his head, awkwardly.  
“Suga? Suga. I’m not leaving. And I don’t want you to leave either. Unless you want to. I never should have held onto you like that. I’m sorry. Please don’t be upset with me. I didn’t mean… I didn’t mean to startle you.” Daichi was still not moving. His hands were still up, like he was trying to tame a wild horse. Suga realized the wild horse must be him.  
“If you don’t… uh…” he took a breath, clearly trying to compose himself. Suga stared.  
“If you don’t want to have sex with me right now that’s fine. Or ever! That’s fine too. It’s all fine. Just please don’t leave. That would be a shitty thing to break up over. I’ll live. It’s okay.”  
Suga blinked.  
“What?”  
Daichi blushed even redder, obviously fighting not to look away. He had talked a lot tonight, Suga realized. More than usual.  
“If you don’t… want to have sex… that’s ok.”  
“Ever?”  
“Ever.”  
And something inside Suga suddenly realized. He wasn’t sure if he ever did want to have sex with Daichi. But Daichi didn’t care. Of course he didn’t. Had he ever cared about Suga’s flaws? His quirks? Anything?  
“There’s nothing wrong with you, Koushi.”  
He had been waiting for that for a long time, he realized. Too long.  
Maybe his whole life.  
So he let the tears flow, and curled up on Daichi’s chest, letting himself cry and cry and cry.  
“Absolutely nothing.”  
Maybe, just maybe,  
they were going to be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> For once I'm not just 100% projecting?? seems fake.  
>  It's been eight million years since I've updated sorry ;; but I graduated and my big con is over (my insta plantboycharmscosplay has pics! ;D ) SO I'll probably be around more often nowadays hopefully maybe As always the validatio-I mean kudos- button is right there so you should drop me a kudo or whatever also scream at me on my tumblr fragile-euphoria it's like screaming into the void but then there's me so it's even better ANYWAY


End file.
